Time to Scream

Before Tuesday, I had plans for this blog post. After Tuesday, all those plans were gone.

Tuesday night, we went to Gas Monkey Bar ‘n Grill for a show: Gone in April, Korpiklaani, and Eluveitie. All three are great metal bands, and I definitely suggest you check them out.

Originally I was going to do a write up of the show, like I did with Tyr and Demons and Wizards. While Gone in April was on stage, I realized I couldn’t do that, because I knew I had to do something else.

The band Gone in April is primarily men, but there is one woman in the band. Julie Bélanger Roy is a vocalist, violinist, and violist, and she is awesome.

During their set, my mind wandered a bit. I was listening to the music, but I couldn’t help thinking about how often we go to these shows, and I only see men on stage.

According to Women in Music, the gender divide across all regions is roughly 70% men, 30% women. Only 6% of recognized producers in the US and Canada are women.

As the night went on, I thought about this a little more when I could, but of course I was there for the music. Korpiklaani (a folk metal band from Finland) was incredibly fun. Then Eluveitie took the stage, and I couldn’t help smiling.

Three women, amongst the nine performers on stage.

Now, one of the three women was Julie from Gone in April, but she tours with this band regularly. The other two, Fabienne Erni and Michalina Malisz, are regular members of the band. Fabienne plays the celtic harp and sings, and Michalina plays the hurdy-gurdy.

These women are incredible. They aren’t afraid. Either they’re born performers, or they have the courage and weirdness needed to be able to perform in front of people with no problems. If there are problems, they hide it well.

But then, in the show as I sang along, it clicked.

When I was in high school, one of our choir traditions was the senior solo. I decided to do one, “Old Friend” from the show I’m Getting My Act Together and Taking it on the Road. I dedicated it to my mother, because our concert was on Mother’s Day. Before going on stage, I heard two girls making fun of my solo, and I wasn’t able to do nearly as good a job on it as I knew I could.

Skip a few years later, and I’m standing in front of an audience, trying to get through a voice lesson solo of a simple Irish folk song I’d practiced and practiced, hours a day. It failed terribly. All of me was shaking, including my vocal chords, so of course I sounded horrific. I almost ran off the stage crying, but since I was running the show as part of my job, I couldn’t exactly do that. I had to endure the humiliation I felt because I was scared.

I just couldn’t understand why I was fine in choir and in the congregation at church, or in front of people I knew well and trusted. Why was I ok when I was blending in, but not standing out?

I, like so many other women, was afraid to sound my voice for others. I was afraid to let others hear me as Me, because of how many people have acted in the past towards me. I had learned to sit and be quiet, like I was “supposed” to do, like a “good girl.”

Ladies, it needs to stop, and it needs to stop now.

Find your voice, and let it scream. Take up the space you are in and more. You are made of matter, therefore you MATTER. Don’t let others tell you what you need to do or say. Find your voice, and don’t let it go.

I have a lot of work to do, but my voice isn’t only music. It’s this blog. It’s my beliefs. It’s the painting I love to do, even if I’m not fantastic at it. It’s the sewing I’ll be doing once I get my life unpacked. It’s my very life essence, and I’m tired of blending in. It’s time to stand out. It’s time to scream.

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